September 17, 2014

Ten Things: #1

Those of you who know me personally might know that I have been getting up at the crack of dawn to go to the gym. I've been trying (halfheartedly) to get fit for the last two three years with only marginal success. But I've decided that this time, it's gonna be different! I'm committed! Whole-heartedly! It's not that I want a six (or eight or twelve) pack of abs to shine through like a wash board on my recently oiled and orange, fake-tanned skin, but I do want to be able to hold this pose in my "Body Flow" class for more than half a second:


This is crow pose.
It is a good way to introduce your face to the floor. 
So during the week, I try to get to the gym around 5:30 AM to get in an hour gym session before work. I've only been going to this facility about three weeks and it's been quite an experience. Here are ten things I've observed thus far:

1. It is perfectly acceptable to disrupt those of us who are actually watching the movie in the cardio-cinema by talking. Loudly. You must wave your hands.


2. If you work out for less than ten minutes on a machine, you are not required to wipe it down. Because, you know, germs and/or sweat cannot be spread in ten minutes. And that's a scientific fact.


3. If you are over the age of 65, you must make sure to walk around the locker room totally and completely naked. Please do at least two laps around the area. You are encouraged to bend over whenever potentially necessary. Or not necessary. Just make sure you bend a lot.


4. In the morning, staff are not required to be friendly. It's not in their job description and they do not get paid for that.


5. If you have abs, you are not required to wear a shirt. Ever.


6. The indoor pool is for chatting and faux-sunbathing. It is not to be used for swimming unless you are alone.


7. It is recommended that you tap your foot and cross your arms to indicate that the person on the machine you want has overstayed their welcome. This is not only an effective timer but also a successful means by which to display your gym-rat dominance. 


8. No matter how few people you can see from the front entrance windows, the place will be packed. Guaranteed or your money back. Just kidding - you have to die to get out of your contract.


9. If you are not wearing booty shorts, you are not working hard enough.


And last but certainly not least,


10. If you accidentally walk in on someone in the shower, be prepared to feel terrible despite the fact that the person did not do what is universally accepted as the "occupied" signal by casually tossing an article of clothing over the door. Ma'am.   


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Truthfully, I really like the gym and it's layout, most of the staff is decently friendly and the availability of machines is beyond what I expected. I am finding it's difficult for me not to be intimidated by the guys (and girls for that matter) wielding 90 lb barbells around on their little fingers, however.  


But like my buddy I-shan says, it's time to get over it! Today I make myself accountable and I'm turning a new leaf! Watch out, gym-rat royalty. This lady's got 10 lb free weights, and she knows how to use them!

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